5 years ago I turned 18, and wondered if it might be my last birthday.
WELL GUESS WHAT MOTHERF***ERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T KILL ME OFF I'M LIKE A COCKROACH.
I'm a five year cancer survivor now--and yeah go ahead, have a "good for her she's inspiring" moment, I won't begrudge you that.
Now STOP.
One of my goals as a 23 year old bitch who is officially cured of cancer is to revive this blog. I've had my time away from it, which I desperately needed; it got to a point where I felt like each week I was saying "Okay, Jesse. Let's delve into the deepest darkest memories you have of your illness, add some wit, swear words, and bold lettering, and make some piece of shit blog post."
No more.
You may be thinking--well why then, Jesse? Why don't you start a new blog about something else? The answer is very simple and complicated: cancer would simply keep coming the f*ck up! It's still a pretty present aspect of my every day life, and when I ended this blog, I thought perhaps it wouldn't be so THERE all the time. And I was wrong.
I had cancer, and it still wreaks some havoc, my friends. But wtf am I supposed to do about it?
Well, for one thing, I'm bringing blogging back. It will not be a weekly thing. Probably more monthly, bi-monthly if that's a thing. And it might not always be totally cancer focused because it really does get super depressing. At the moment I have a love-hate relationship with blogging, but I need to write to get shit out of my head, so here we are.
You may also recall that about a month ago, in the midst of working two jobs, I tried to start a tumblr. I posted one little thing and then disappeared.
No more.
I will be posting just some of my self-indulgent little essays and such on there. I can't even remember what the tumblr was called or what the link was. Hold up. I'm gonna look into it.
...
Aha.
www.unfamouslyjesse.tumblr.com
My own insecurities are urging me to inform you beforehand that I have less than ten followers. I would rather you hear that from me than log on and say to yourself "oh wow, Jesse has less than ten followers." ...I feel as though it softens the blow if I tell you ahead of time.
I'm excited to bring this thing back because I really do have things I want to bring forth that I feel are important aspects of living as a female young adult cancer survivor--because there are a lot of differences and separate issues that come up when you look at each demographic separately.
Some of my ideas I believe are going to make people mad. I've decided that I need to get over that. I was always that girl who would do or be anyone so long as no one was mean to me. Middle school, high school, college...I just never wanted people to be mean.
But ya know what? F*ck that too. This blog is back, and it's gonna get heated. Maybe. Maybe what I think of as heated is not what you think of as heated, because on a heating scale, my tendencies are lukewarm at best...but we'll see.
What the hell am I talking about.
Who knows.
So to get this revival started on the right foot, I decided to leave y'all with an actual list (not a cutesy, joking, sarcastic list) of things I believe have helped me become a semi-functioning cancer survivor who doesn't curl up in a ball in the corner of the room rocking back and forth reciting the steps to safely heparin lock an IV or bloodline:
10. There is no fixed timeline for your life. It doesn't all have to happen by such and such a point in your life.
9. You have to find a decent balance between health and happiness. You can worry your pretty little head day in and day out about preventing illness, having a perfect body, doing cleanses, keeping up with the latest cancer-causing products and avoiding them like the plague--but sometimes things happen that are just unpreventable and out of your control. So go ahead. You can have MacDonalds on a Monday. Just don't have it Tuesday-Sunday.
8. You are never going to find someone who fully understands and comprehends the things you are going through. When they try, take it easy on them.
7. You are never going to be able to fully understand and comprehend the things that other people are going through. You can try, but take it easy on them.
6. "One day..." has to become today. It just has to.
5. You cannot be mean to yourself. Whatever that means to you. I don't care how nice and kind you are to other people, or how self-centered this sounds. I thought for a long time that I hated who I was. And then one day, I was contemplating death--as a cancer-survivor often does--and I realized that I would miss myself. I would miss having my mind, thinking my thoughts, spewing my sarcasm, and just being Jesse Pardee. I realized then that I like the person I am. It was a really big moment for me.
That's why I go out by myself sometimes. I'm a great date. Which brings me to...
4. Never be afraid of alone time. You're not a loser. You're not a hermit. You're not weird. It doesn't have to be a scary or sad thing. Make it a therapeutic thing. You have that power.
3. Night time is not solve-all-your-problems time. Shut the f*ck up, take an ativan, and go to bed.
2. Look out the window once a day and take a mental picture of your surroundings. Realize that your life is not something that exists only when you have achieved a certain dream, or become successful, or found love, money etc...it's right now. It's you and that window in that setting in those surroundings. Now.
1. Your family can become your very best friends. Your very best friends can become your family. Let them :)
Until next time...whenever that may be...
Jesse
