I took back control of my appearance.
Yes. The stringy mess that grew back on my head is gone, and let me tell you it feels amazing. I always tell people not to cut their hair because they'll regret it...but in my case, I didn't know what else to do. I've been waiting since November 2nd, 2009 (the day after I finished chemo) for my thick brown hair to come back past my shoulders...and it just never did. I've spent the last four years of my life hating my hair for not growing out, and blaming my dissatisfaction with my appearance on cancer.
It wasn't until last year, when I went to speak to a psychologist who is known for working with cancer survivors that I really knew what I needed to do. I already blame enough on my cancer. She pointed out that if I made a hair decision of my own accord, then I would have one less thing that I could blame on cancer. And it took me a year to get up the courage to do it.
I had been planning on doing it before I was cast in Chess, but then had to wait. Even when they told me I'd be wigged, I was hesitant to cut my hair until after the show opened, just in case they changed their minds last minute.But they didn't...and here I am.
And it feels really good. I watched the stringy, shitty hair tumble down to the floor today, and for a second, it reminded me of the day my dad shaved my head at the hospital. But it only for a second...because today was my decision. I no longer can say that my hair is short and gross because of the chemo. It's short and beautiful because I chose it for myself.
Choices are few and far between when you have cancer. And even afterward...you can choose not to check in with the oncologist and the kidney specialist, but you also risk a sneak attack relapse, or undetected kidney failure. You can choose not to take the antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds, but you risk dealing with the flashbacks and fear.
But today I made a choice for myself...and I feel vindicated.
Love to all,
Jesse
No comments:
Post a Comment