OMG I'm So Sorry! I Didn't Realize Your Life Was So Hard!

If you haven't figured it out by now, I sort of post whenever the hell I feel like it so...yeah.
To be honest, I've just been a little depressed lately what with the Jodi Arias trial not resuming until July 18th...it's really got me down, and my thoughts have been so all over the place--I just couldn't possibly bring myself to post on time when my whole life is on pause.  But no worries, I'm getting my shit together.  Bad Girls Club All-Star Challenge will keep me going.

But on to cancer--you know, my most identifying quality.  One of the most common phrases I hear on almost a regular basis goes a little bit like this:  "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't be complaining to you."  To which my mental response is usually, "And yet you are..."  BUT I would never say that aloud, and I do a pretty good job of reminding myself that not everyone has had to deal with something as awful as cancer, and that I should be understanding and so on and so forth.

During my treatment, however, I was not so understanding.  As I've said countless times, I was a nasty ass bitch that entire year, and chances are pretty likely that if you were facebook friends with me at the time, I read your statuses and judged you by how petty and trivial your problems were.  For example, someone might post the following:

Just dont knoww wut 2 do anymore.  It's lykke y do i even try???  </3

To which I would say/think (and in some cases actually post):

OMG I'm so sorry!  I didn't realize your life was so hard!  Yeah, while I was getting my 3rd dose of toxic chemicals this morning, I was thinking about how you bought the perfect thong at Charlotte Russe so you could wear your pants too low and get Johnny's attention--and clearly by the tone of your status, I see that it didn't work!  How will you ever find happiness?   I literally didn't realize that your life was so hard.  Excuse me while my dad gives me this injection--but please, by all means, keep me posted!  I'll be on the toilet for the next 12 hours with severely painful constipation but I need to know that you're doing okay!

I did that.  Every night.  And I know.  It's despicable.  But you'd be surprised how exhilarating it was.  Because its what many people expect I already do, and because I sometimes miss this healthy release of anger, I decided that for this one blog post, I would allow myself the pleasure of that kind of bitter judgement and self-pity.  So here we go:


But then [Justin Bieber] took a stand, letting loose with this instantly-infamous statement: “I really just want to say, it really should be about the music. It should be about the craft that I’m making. This is not a gimmick, I’m not — I’m an artist, and I should be taken seriously. And all this other bull should not be spoken of.”  (Entertainment Weekly)

OMG I'm so sorry!  I didn't realize your life was so hard!  People aren't taking you seriously???  With musical masterpieces like "Baby", "U Smile", and "Beauty and a Beat"???  You must be kidding!  You poor, poor thing.  No wonder you drive your disgustingly expensive car at 100 mph in the middle of the night down your disgustingly up-scale neighborhood!  Maybe once you kill an innocent civilian in your ridiculous f**king car, avoid jail-time because of your celebrity status and high-paid attorneys, and make ANOTHER BRILLIANT FILM about your wise, 19 years of life-experience starring you, your pet monkey and your girlfriend who used to be on Barney...MAYBE THEN PEOPLE WILL TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY!!!!!!  Until that day though, dear Justin, I'll be here taking my gigantic horse-pills waiting for that crazy dialysis contraption.  You just keep on keepin' on, Justin!!!   NEVER SAY NEVER!!!  I literally didn't realize that your life was so hard. 

"For years I've always been so gracious," Kim [Kardashian] writes. "Every shot they take now just isn't flattering & crazy stories get made up, so why would I willingly just let them stalk me & smile for them?"  (iVillage)

OMG I'm so sorry!  I didn't realize your life was so hard!  Why would someone who willingly allows cameras to record her every move ever be okay with so much attention?  It's not like you can just deal with the paparazzi and escape to your enormous mansion with the bowling alley!  People seriously need to be a little bit more understanding about your needs.  I mean, gracious is an understatement!  You're so gracious, in fact, that you've been goodly enough to allow men and women everywhere to watch you have sex with Ray-J!  And goddamn, if only pregnancy were more flattering, maybe the pictures would be better...I just wish pregnancy could be easier for you Kim, I really do.  I mean I've seen my share of suffering--hell, I've seen a six year-old suffer a stroke!  But nothing could come close to the pain you must be feeling when you open a magazine and see a picture of your pregnant belly!  So unflattering...you'd think after all these years of human existence, they could at least come up with an easier method for people who are filthy rich.  My thoughts are with you.  After I send out my positive energy to the victims of Oklahoma, Hurricane Sandy, Boston Bombings, The Newtown Massacre, and all of the sick and suffering, I say a little a prayer for you, Kim.  I literally didn't realize that your life was so hard. 


“People will stare at me no matter what and it’s the most irritating thing in the world. I got so much attention from all the guys, but I didn't get along with any of the girls. They were extremely jealous of me....when you look like me, it's not easy."  --True Life, I'm Too Beautiful

OMG I'm so sorry!  I didn't realize your life was so hard!  How do you even get out of bed in the morning?   I mean, I would look in the mirror and just start sobbing big wet tears of disdain at my perfectly tanned face and slender cheekbones.  People never think about how miserable it must be to have long beautiful hair, perfect skin, and gigantic boobs!  I mean, for people to force you to wear all those revealing outfits...is just--god it makes me so angry!  Don't they know you don't want attention?  Oh wait...no one forced you?  You mean you voluntarily flash your breasts in everyone's face, and take place in female wrestling?  Well...no.  NO.  YOU are the victim in all this, you gorgeous outcast, you.  I truly hope I run into you sometime at the hospital while I'm getting my X-rays and you're getting your new tits.  We can grab lunch and talk about how difficult it is for you to be a young, attractive, white female in 2013 society.  Good luck and godspeed.  I literally didn't realize that your life was so hard. 


WOO! That felt good.  I will now reassemble my positive outlook, and remind myself that the problems of one, however great or small, can be just as trying as the problems of another.

But sometimes celebrities deserve it...


OK I SWEAR I'M DONE <3