The title of this post literally has nothing to do with anything whatsoever.
It's my friggin 22nd birthday. Can I get what what?
Yay! I made it to 22! Oh, happy, happy day bitches! Yes, yes, today, the 25th of March is the day I was born in Syracuse, NY to two parents, neither one with a history of bone cancer and yet there you have it.
---->REGARDLESS. I was a special kid. By all definitions of the word 'special.'
Naturally, I've been thinking a lot about Darwin (as one often does on their birthday), and his little theory about "survival of the fittest" or whatever that shit was. And I realized, that if we all lived in the wilderness and were monkeys or apes or what have you (like...we didn't have modern medicine and shit is what I'm trying to say), I would be dead.
And it's a funny phenomenon to think, on your birthday, that in survival-of-the-fittest-terms, you shouldn't be here...and yet you are! And it's like...this overwhelming sense of trickery. I tricked nature. I tricked the universe. It tried to pick me off, and yet here I am, turning 22, walking the streets of Pittsburgh with a plastic crown on my head eating Cadbury eggs!
Now, as I write this post, I think, "you stupid bitch, you're going to walk outside and get hit by car just for saying all of that"...and what if I did?
SO. In honor of my 22nd birthday, here are 22 significant things I would hope people remember about me if I walk outside and get hit by a Point Park shuttle.
Ahem. Here we go.
1) She had the best armpits, and everyone told her so. She'd smile modestly and say "it's the Old Spice."
2) She could smell bad breath, McDonalds, or a fart a mile away. Best sense of smell I ever encountered in a gal.
3) She wrote in her blog that she'd stop licking the salt off the bottom of the plate, but alas, she never did. She was the saltiest old bitch that you ever did see.
4) She, as a seventeen year old girl, managed to acquire a cancer that typically effects thirteen year old boys. What a wonder she was...
5) She hated the sound of children screaming in Target so much that she'd stop frozen in the aisle until it stopped.
6) She predicted that Charlie and Marnie on Girls would be in love forever and get back together, and by god, she was right.
7) Oh, boy, did she love Charlie from Girls and despise him for being a fictional character.
8) She endorsed chemo as the best acne medicine, and no one can argue that it did wonders for her complexion even if it did wreak havoc on her kidneys and destroy her soul.
9) Jesse had the best sunglasses/frameless glasses collection of anyone who ever lived, and she didn't give a shit if they took up half her face.
10) She hated Harry Potter, and I think there's something to be said about that.
11) She could punch a mean hole in the door if need be.
12) Jesse had the best advice for constipation always.
13) Jesse loved a good poop joke, and is probably laughing in heaven with the poop gods.
14) She never answered her texts because for THE LOVE OF GOD I'M DOING SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT.
15) She never quite learned to use her iPhone, and it was one of her best qualities.
16) That bitch had short hair one day, then long hair the next, then short, then long, and then goddamnit one day she just cut it all off.
17) She knew an extensive amount about serial killers to the point where it was kind of scary because she fell asleep to BIO specials on Ed Gein.
18) She never got over her initial attraction to the cartoon Peter Pan.
19) Jesse could narrate the thoughts of the dogs and cats with impeccable insight.
20) She could perform Moritz Stiefel's pre-suicide monologue on cue.
21) She owned every decision and action she made.
22) Jesse was a disgruntled little beyotch with a twisted sense of humor.
"So, what will I say? I'll tell them all, the angels, 'I got drunk in the snow! And sang...and played pirates.' I'll tell them, 'I'm ready now!' I'll be an angel." <-----BUT NOT YET BITCHES, I'M LIKE A COCKROACH, I WON'T DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
----Moritz Stiefel (except for that last part)
Love,
Jesse, age 22
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