But then I realized that Sunday marks the 3 year anniversary of the day my friend Robin died of leukemia, and as my mom pointed out, today is the 14th anniversary of my Grandpa's passing from colon cancer. So there's a lot of...I dunno...death on the brain??? Yum that sounds awesome. But yeah...September is a really depressing month.
Just the other day, I heard someone talking about how we're all afraid of dying. And when he said that, I realized he was wrong. If you asked me whether I was afraid of dying, I can 100% without hesitation tell you 'no'. I am not afraid of dying. I mean, how could I be? I feel like I was forced to deal with the concept, and it's one of the very few benefits to having cancer. I came to terms with death, and it's a huge weight off my shoulders. It's just death. People have been doing it for years.
When I was going through treatment, my cousin would visit me quite often, and bring me books and DVDs and stuff to do in my downtime...which was all the time. One of the books she brought me was "Crazy, Sexy Cancer Survivor" by Kris Carr, and there was a chapter in it called "Dirt Naps". Sounds kind of harsh, but her words about death always stuck with me: "You are at a party with your friends and family, and you are all really happy...You then open a different door to an area of the house...removed from the party. Now you can no longer hear your friends and family--but you know they are all still there, still in the house, still with you. Instead of hearing their laughter, you can now feel it. In fact, no matter where you go in the house, you feel their presence. You know that even though your physical relationship to them has changed, your energetic connection has not.
This last room is the universal God soup. The place where the saint tells us we're home; welcome to the new party. Jesus hands us butterfly wings, Buddha offers a bowl of rice and peas, and Elvis gyrates in white socks and sequins, offending no one."
For some reason, it clicked with me. Kind of hokey, but comforting. It made me realize that I'm a very spiritual person. I don't really believe in religion, but I believe in the spirit. I believe that the spirit is an entirely different component, completely separate from the body. I believe in spiritualism.
I had an 85% cure rate, and while that was very hopeful, there was 15% unaccounted for. I had to tell myself and accept that there was a 15% chance that I was going to die from this cancer. There still is. I could die very soon. Die. Be dead. No looking back, no second chances, no more Snooki. At some point, in order to keep my sanity, I told myself that I was going to have to be okay with that.
OKAY WITH THAT? Okay with the fact that you're going die? It's hard to do. I guess what it came down to for me, especially after my friend Heather passed away, was whether I believed that all of these children, all of these innocent children who were dying of disease in front of me...could I really believe that all of their short lives, all of their suffering was for nothing? Was to become a hole in the ground? To simply cease to exist?
The answer is no. I don't believe it. I don't believe that there is nothing awaiting us in the end. You read those stories about people who've been on the brink of death...seeing the light...seeing those who've passed before us...they talk about how beautiful it is, how utterly breath-taking it is...I believe it.
And that was my thinking...this was how I accepted my fate...and really the fate of everyone. Would I love to live a hundred years? Sure. If I had a recurrence, and was told I had a month to live...so be it. I'm not saying it would be easy for me to live out that last month knowing it was my last few weeks with the people I loved...but I can honestly say that there would be no fear. None. I truly think something wonderful is going to happen...it's almost kind of exciting, in a weird, twisted, don't-worry-I'm-not-going-to-kill-myself kind of way.
For all you atheists out there, shaking your heads and what not...maybe you're right. Maybe there's nothing. Maybe we'll all be holes in the ground. But I still have the advantage. Because I'll be living my life right through that very last moment with the hope of something new. And if I'm wrong...who cares? I'll be dead!
I'm not afraid of death. Some people don't believe me, and think that in the back of my mind, there's still fear there. But I don't think so. I think people would be a lot less up-tight if we all came to terms with death. It's a trend we'll all follow eventually, something we'll all tweet about from the great beyond. I embrace it, and it really makes my life all the more enriching. Instead of "Rest in Peace", I see "See you on the other side"...wherever that may be.
I sure as hell hope I don't find out anytime soon.
Hope you enjoyed thinking about your impending doom,
Jesse
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