Who You Gonna Call?? Not me, 'cuz I'm scared as shit.

The stores have Halloween stuff up now.  Like when you go to the drugstore and you're trying to pick up your potassium pills and there's this little skeleton dude singing 'Puttin on the Ritz', next to a pumpkin head singing 'Thriller', next to a hand in a bowl that pops out at you whenever you move near it...and I'm like...yeah, this is a public place and I'd rather not shit my pants in front of the pharmacist.

I don't like Halloween.  And while I am well aware that Halloween doesn't happen for another two months, it seems that the retail business is unaware...or doesn't care.  Probably the latter.  

Now, I know you're probably like...Jesse, shut up, you're not afraid of Halloween.

BUT I AM.  You know what that shit is, right?  It's that day when spirit activity is said to be at its highest, and the legend was that you like...dress up like scary shit for some reason or another on the day of the dead and...you know, I really don't know.  But if I was dead, which I am not....but if I was...I wouldn't want people dressing up scary, and being like.....ohhh I'm a ghost or a zombie or a vampire or a mummy...I'd be like...are you mocking me?  Seriously?  I'm dead, it's my day, and you're mocking me.  Let's have some respect.  I'm gonna go all Ichabod Crane on your ass.

And then there's people who do the opposite, and dress like playboy bunnies, sexy nurses, and all that slutty stuff...and if I'm dead, I'm like....THIS IS MY DAY, AND I HAVE TO LOOK AT YOUR ASS?  And like...SIR, ARE YOU REALLY WEARING A COSTUME THAT SAYS YOU'RE A MAMMOGRAM SPECIALIST????  And then I would be like...why did I come here?  I'm going back to my respective haunted house because everyone has ruined my Halloween by being all disrespectful.

In all seriousness though, Halloween makes me uneasy.  First of all, I am a believer in the paranormal.  Wholeheartedly. I think the spirit world is a real thing.  Who are we to think that our realm is the only one???  Have you seen Long Island Medium???  Anyhooo, I always have this eerie feeling during October...I don't know how to explain it. Like there's freaking ghosts watching me eat my lunchables and brush my teeth. And I've never liked being scared.  I can watch scary movies and all that shit, but if you think I'm gonna laugh because you decided to jump out at me in a Michael Myers mask, I'm probably not gonna talk to you for awhile.  It's very traumatic for me.

I remember trick-or-treating when I was ten years old, dressed as Britney Spears, and I went to two houses...and then I was like....I'm done.  I am DONE.  The vibes are weird out here, I'm too old for this, mischief is happening, and I just want to curl up on the couch and sleep til this day is over.

I spent one Halloween in the hospital.  And boy that was a treat (or a trick???  No, no, the cancer was not a trick...or a treat...anyways...)  I had volunteers banging down my door, like "heyyy, the other bald kids are trick-or-treating around the ward, would you like to join???"  Oh, HELL NO...I'm 18 years old, it's the day of the dead, I've had a little too much "death" on the brain lately, and the last thing I want to do is stand my ass up, put a raggedy hospital sheet over my head, and lug my pole around begging for candy from rich oncologists and then throwing it all up later when you pump me full of Ifosfamide.  But hey, that's just me.  And I think that this blog has established one thing overall:  I have severe, severe issues, and I'm probably going to spend lots of money on therapy.

So this whole Halloween business...I just...I know it's fun and people eat candy and shit, and that's all fine and dandy.  But it's just...I dunno...be careful...don't FUNK with spirits...they'll get'cha.  When I die, I'm gonna be watching all these peeps on Halloween from some tree...being like "really, people?  Really?"  It's my freaking day and you're running around in a costume, looking like a fool.  I'll bet the spirits are laughing at us.  They're probably like...Oh, Mitt Romney and your thirty-seven houses...how droll.

I know it's a little early for a Halloween post, but hey, don't tell me.  Tell freaking Rite-Aid.

Much Love,
Jesse