And also, my boyfriend came from Pittsburgh to see it, and visited until this morning, so naturally we went to Seabreeze yesterday, which kept me from posting. I'm sure you were all eagerly awaiting the post. YAY MATT!
I guess I was just too damn busy for y'all. But anyhoo. I thought about what I wanted to write about. YAY THOUGHTS! And I decided I would reflect on a question I was recently asked and puzzled by. A friend of mine was telling me about someone she knew who was just diagnosed with cancer, and she wasn't sure how she should behave, act, or treat the person now.
Well, you would think I'd know exactly what to say. But I really have no idea. I still don't know how to behave around people who have cancer even though they are my very own brethren. (wowww brethren! good word!)
So I came up with a no holds-barred, no bullshit, blunt guide on how to approach a situation with someone who has cancer. We'll just say the person with cancer's name is Jesse, because it's a perfectly plausible name for a cancer survivor/fighter.
*First of all, don't be a pussy. I'm sorry to be so crude, but I don't feel like I can effectively get my point across without doing so. Jesse has already made the decision to fight this thing head on, and is therefore not behaving like a pussy. So if you come into the room all teary and sniffly and crying, you are being a pussy and Jesse has no time for you. SERIOUSLY.
*Secondly, Jesse's hearing has not been affected by the cancer or the treatment. Therefore you do not have to speak louder or softer than you normally would. DO NOT TALK TO JESSE IN A PATRONIZING TONE LIKE SHES A FREAKING PUPPY. You know what I mean? When people get that whiny, sympathetic, soft tone to their voice and get really close to your face??? You shouldn't do that to Jesse, especially because if the Jesse in question is anything like me. (also a Jesse)..she is ready and willing to slap you in the face.
Some people think that because Jesse is sleepy and nauseous and probably pretending to be asleep so she doesn't have to talk to the hospital volunteer, that she is also deaf. They therefore speak extremely loudly and slowly so as to make sure Jesse understands you. I promise she understands you.
*Thirdly. Jesse doesn't want to hear about your great aunt who died of cancer. I don't know why people insist on sharing stories like that as soon as they hear about someone who has cancer. Because the last thing Jesse needs right now, is to hear sad stories about people who died of cancer. THIS INCLUDES FACEBOOK. I can't tell you how many people messaged me or IMed me saying things like this:
'Hey Jesse. I know we haven't been close the past few years. But I'm really sorry to hear about your sickness. My great aunt Sue had cancer. It was just awful to see her suffer. She died last year.
Sincerely,
Clearly Didntthinkthisthrough'
SERIOUSLY FOLKS???? SERIOUSLY???? I understand that people have the best of intentions and are only trying to be sympathetic...but really THINK ABOUT THINGS BEFORE YOU SAY THEM OR TYPE THEM. HOLY SHIT. I got so many of those messages. And if you are reading this and saying to yourself 'OMG I did that to her'...IT'S OK...DON'T DO IT ANYMORE TO ANYONE ELSE.
*NEXT. Don't ignore the obvious. If you're visiting someone in the hospital and they are hooked up to shitload of tubes, and nurses keep moving in and out of the room...you don't have to ignore that. I know it's awkward for you. But it's even more uncomfortable for Jesse when you are having a conversation with her and you can't look straight at her because you're trying to pretend you don't notice the giant bag of blood being pumped into her chest. You don't have to freaking stare at it. But you can ask about it, comment on what's happening...it just makes things worse when you pretend the medical shit is not happening.
*But now I'm going to confuse you. I said don't ignore what's going on. I really mean, don't ignore what's going on TANGIBLY. Because the next rule, is DON'T START AN IN-DEPTH CONVERSATION ABOUT DEATH AND EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON AND BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE AND GOD IS WATCHING OVER YOU AND BLAH BLAH BLAH----UNLESS: Jesse brings it up. Because if Jesse brings it up, it means she wants to talk about it. If you bring it up, chances are high that Jesse wants you to cram it.
*Which somehow sort of brings me to my next guideline...and I'm sure some people aren't going to like or agree with this one. But this is my blog, so I can say whatever I want.
>FAITH< is different for everyone. If the Jesse in question is a religious person and you guys usually talk about God and the Bible and such...then go ahead and talk about it.
But there are a lot of Jesse's who don't know what they believe in. I think this happens a lot with young adults who are transitioning into adulthood and are trying to discover their own way in the world.
I'm going to talk specifically about me now, and not the hypothetical Jesse we've been cunningly referring to. I don't know what I believe in. I'm not saying I don't believe in God or that I'm an atheist or anything. I just wasn't brought up in an extremely religious family, so I don't know a lot about Catholicism, Christianity, or any religion for that matter. So it was really uncomfortable for me when people would start preaching to me about God and about his plan for me, and how he is watching over me in my time of need. I even felt uncomfortable when people told me they were praying for me. I almost felt like they were saying, "I pity you so much that I've asked my God to pity you too." I KNOW THAT IS NOT WHAT PEOPLE MEAN BY THAT. But when you're the one in the hospital bed, it's hard not to take everything as pity.
Therefore, I like to use the phrase "I'm sending you lots of positive energy." I say that to anyone I know who is going through a rough time. Because what could be better than positive energy and positive thoughts? It works for anyone from any walk of life, and any religion. Positive thoughts, positive energy.
Again, if you are close to this person and know that they are religious as well, then great. God is a great place to turn to in desperate times if the person chooses to.
OK. So back now to the hypothetical.
*DO NOT and I mean DO NOT buy Jesse a hat. For the love of Snooki, do not buy your friend ANYTHING having to do with hair loss. Would you buy a person with facial deformities a mask??? No. You wouldn't. So don't buy a bald person a hat unless they ask you to. Let them deal with it themselves. I had some people buy me hats and headscarves and stuff...and I knew they meant well...but for some reason I was somewhat offended...My advice is just stay away from that stuff unless they specifically ask you if you could buy them a hat.
This goes the same for shaving your head. Now, I'm all for St. Baldricks day and all that and I think thats great. But let me tell you:
Jesse's parents asked her if she would like them to shave their heads with her.
UMM NO THANK YOU. The last thing I wanted to see was my mom and dad's baldass head walking around my house. So I say this: DONT DO ANYTHING DRASTIC. DO NOT SHAVE YOUR HEAD FOR A FRIEND GOING THROUGH CHEMO UNLESS YOU HAVE ASKED THEM FIRST. BECAUSE IF YOU DONT....shit could get real awkward. Because chances are...your friend is gonna wear a wig...and what are you gonna do? Buy a wig too??? Idk. That whole gesture seems a little drastic to me. I know what people are trying to do by shaving their heads for someone going through chemo...but I just find it a little much.
*Do not stop asking Jesse if she would like to hang out. I can't tell you how many of my friends stopped inviting me places because they thought I would feel bad if I was too sick to go. What felt worse was not being invited. So. Remember that. But then don't be upset if Jesse actually is too sick to go.
*Don't take some of the things Jesse says to heart. She might be having a bad day, and therefore say some things she doesn't mean...cancer patients are going through a shitload of shitty, shitty shit. They have no control over what is happening to their body. Their body has betrayed them. It is making them sick. It is causing them pain. It is taking away their hair, their eyelashes, eyebrows, stripping them of who they are. It is changing relationships, life plans, and goals. It is wreaking havoc on their entire being. I'm not saying that it gives them the right to treat people badly. I am saying that it sometimes makes them just not care about what they say and how it could impact people. I know I sure as hell didn't care. I, for example, once screamed at my entire family and boyfriend at the time to get the fuck away from me and find me a doctor who could speak english. Was it appropriate? No. It wasn't. Did I care? No. I didn't.
*And lastly for today...perhaps the most important thing...YOU.DO.NOT.UNDERSTAND. Clear? You will never ever ever ever ever understand.
When someone is diagnosed with cancer, it's said that they become a member of the club that no one wants to be in.
I would like to add to that by saying that not only do they become a member of the club, but everyone around them gets bounced. You're not allowed.
So remember that no matter how sympathetic you try to be, you do not understand. SO DO NOT REPLY TO ANYTHING JESSE SAYS WITH, 'I UNDERSTAND.'
It's not your fault that you don't understand. But you just don't.
So there, my friends. A no-nonsense outline to how you should be around a person with cancer.
To end, I'll add a few additional, more straightforward rules:
*If the nurse comes in during your visit, as long as Jesse is ok with it, you can stay. If the doctor comes in, GET THE F**K OUT. It's a lot more personal with the docs, and chances are he's going to ask Jesse the last time she freakin' used the bathroom. And she does not want you to know this information.
*For the love of all that is holy, don't bring a stuffed animal, because chances are, Jesse already has received several hundred.
*If you want to bring food, call ahead and ask them what they'd like or what they are able to eat.
*Wear odorless deoderant. No cologne. No perfume. People undergoing cancer treatments are extremely sensitive to smell, and they don't want to have to ask you to leave because you stink.
With Love,
Jesse
PS. OMG OLYMPICS AND STUFF.
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